2nd Samuel Ch. 14-24
On the streets of Jerusalem:
Derek(narrator): Wanting to reunite father and son, Joab hatches a plan. He has a widow go and trick David into feeling guilty for ex-communicating Absalom. David falls for his plan and tells him that Absalom can come back to Jerusalem.
Joab: The King said that you can come back to Jerusalem.
Absalom: Don’t I get to see him?
Joab: He’s still pretty mad. Don’t push your luck.
Absalom: (grumbles angrily)
Random women: O my god! It’s Absalom! (swoon)
Absalom: (flips hair)
Random women: (swoon)
In a field
Narrator: David refuses to see Absalom for two long years. Drastic measures must be taken.
Absalom: (has a torch and is lighting stuff on fire) Ha ha ha!
Joab: What…what is this?
Absalom: You told me I could see my father, so I came all the way back to Jerusalem! Now random women stalk me wherever I go! I should have stayed in Geshur!
In the palace
Joab: King, can you please see Absalom? The kid’s a nutcase; he’s going around Jerusalem and setting things on fire!
David: (sighs) Fine, fine…bring him in.
-Enter Absalom-
Absalom: (bows)
David: I guess you’re still my son, and I forgive you for killing your brother.
Absalom: (to the side) Hehehe…now I can hatch my evil plan…
Joab/David: What was that?
Absalom: Nothing.
On the streets of Jerusalem
Absalom: Your King is a sham! My brother raped my sister, for God’s sake! And he did nothing!
Citizens: (whispering)
Absalom: I’m the rightful king! And I’m much better looking (flips hair, women swoon)!
Citizens: Ok.
In the Palace:
Narrator: Here, the Bible says that forty years passed, but this is actually thought to be a misinterpretation. Scholars believe that it was actually only four years later. Absalom decides to plant his friends around Jerusalem to say “All Hail Absalom when a trumpet sounds. His little prank goes better than expected. It turns out that the people of Jerusalem agreed with Absalom. A messenger was sent to tell David to watch out, because the people liked Absalom better. David gave up and went into the wilderness. Absalom decided to get a bunch of men together and go after David, but not after some “extracurricular” activities…
Absalom (chasing concubines around): Being King is great! I should have done this years ago!
Concubines: (giggle and run around)
Soldier: Sir! We must proceed to battle!
Absalom: Dang it! All right…
Narrator: A great battle took place, and 20,000 people died. Some men who were with Joab killed Absalom, and his short reign was over. David returned to Israel to become King again. The King was sad that Absalom was dead, even though he seemed to want him dead this whole time…The people of Judah remained loyal to the King, but some of the other Israelites left and supported Sheba. But David had more important things to attend to.
In the palace
David (to the concubines): Into the basement with you!
Concubines: What did we do?
David: You slept with my son!
Concubines: But he was the king…and we’re concubines! That’s our job!
David: You’re only supposed to sleep with the true king!
Concubines: How are we supposed to know who the King is? You left and Absalom was the king…
David: Enough! You have to live in the basement now!
Concubines: Awww…
Narrator: The King and Joab went out against Sheba, and his head got cut off. After that, there was a terrible famine. David asked God why he was punishing the Israelites, and God said it was because of all the bad things Saul did, including killing some Gibeonites. So David apologized to the Gibeonites and gave him all Saul’s children (except Jonathan, of course…) and they hanged them. The famine ended, but the Philistines declared war on the Israelites. Again. But they defeated them. Again. So David wrote some Psalms and all was well.
In the palace:
God: I’m angry with you David. You’ve done some mean things in your lifetime.
David: I’m sorry…
God: That’s not good enough. You have to choose a punishment: Behind door number one we have seven years of famine. Behind door number two lies three months of getting chased by your enemies And door number three holds three days of plague.
David: Well…I guess…
Servants: Pick door number 1/2/3!
David: Number 3!
Narrator: David chose the three days of plague, and 70,000 Israelites died.
David: Oops…
Narrator: But after David offered some sacrifices, the plague was lifted. Israel would live to see another day!
The End.
No comments:
Post a Comment